Dream...

Nothing hurts. I barely know what is happening. All of a sudden I'm sitting up in the bed, cuddling a warm bundle of white blanket, squinting eyes, and puckered lips. She's beautiful. I don't want to agitate her, but my heart is beating so fast. I am so happy, "stuck" in this moment, but not looking for escape.

I am at home, carefully giving her a bath--slowly, thoughtfully, watching her every move. I feel her fragile head resting on my forearm, and notice how tiny her neck is. The water moves in circles, gently licking her cotton-soft skin. Her eyes are watching me, and then my heart stops in wonder as she lets out a soft coo and wrinkles her eyes; her hands come to her cheeks, and as they pull back, I see her smile.
As I wrap her in the towel, I feel her, warm against my chest. I gather her arms and legs together and snuggle her in a protective embrace.

"What have you named her?" my father asks at the kitchen table.

I forget for a moment. I have been planning her name for so long, in order to match her perfect prettiness. She has already assumed her name in my heart, but what that is, I cannot remember.

"Starts with an M," I whisper.

"Maraiah?" Dad suggests.

"No, that's not it."
I'm thinking hard...there is an A...

I finally answer: "Moira."
Followed by a moment of doubt, "Or Maura?"

"No," Dad answers. "Moira is better."

I agree. That is her name. I look at her. She is looking at me. I immediately decide not to go back to school in the fall. How could I leave? I need to stay home to protect and care for this fragile human being. Who cares that I have come this many years plus a clinical rotation? What does that matter against this tiny life that needs me? I wonder how I will mention my decision to Dad.

screech-screech-screech-screech---
I am temporarily wrenched from my warm cuddling closeness to turn - off - my - alarm - clock - oh - no - ! - I - can't - go - back - and - she's - not - real --

It's the most vivid dream I've had in a while.
This entire day, I kept thinking about the feeling of holding her, warm and close next to my heart.