Five...

Hurray for Month-versaries :).

And this week also marks 20 weeks of pregnancy. Strangely coincidental.

Some--no, many--of my contemporaries or senior co-workers offer, or at least agree with the common wisdom, "wait at least year" after marriage to have children. They have a variety of reasons that all seem plausible:

"Marriage is such a big adjustment, you need to get used to it first..."

"You want to make sure that you're stable emotionally and financially before you intorduce another dimension into the relationship..."

"Treasure this time together, because when children come, it will never be the same..."

My husband and I were bantering about this the other day, and laughing about the fact that the same people were sooo excited when they found out we were expecting. I don't think I wear my Faith or my beliefs on my sleeve, at least not as much as I should. But those same co-workers who would nod in affirmation to the advice listed above, said to me in giddy tones, "Oh, that's awesome! Great! So wonderful--you're so ready to be a mom!"

What?
Polar opposite reaction.

Yes, there are plenty of children in my family--immediate, extended, and among close friends. Yes, I've done my share of babysitting and there is no doubt that I want to raise several children of my own. But, really, any tips you may have of coming attractions would be appreciated!

Sometimes, I'm super-excited to hold this little one, to watch my own child grow into an adult like I've watched even my youngest sisters.

Other times, honestly, I'm scared to death.

My work environment feeds both of these emotions.

The little babies I get to see are all so precious; I can't imagine that soon, I'll be holding one that comes from my husband and myself. Our child. Wow.

The things kids say...

"What is the name for a baby horse?" I ask one of my kids while we're doing her exercise for the day.
"Pony!" she yells.
"Right! Now, what is the name for a baby cow?"
"Coward!"

But then there is the reminder, all the time, of the hardships that parents face.

I meet many teenage girls with scoliosis that need rods placed in their backs--only after years of trying to manage the curve with bracing. The pain of recovery, even though it is temporary, is felt by the parents, and especially by the mothers.

Some of the notes written about my pediatric patients have phrases such as "patient is well-known to this physician, now admitted for x, y, or z." These are children with chronic disease, or recurring infections, or complications from past treatments, or what have you; the parents go through so much more than the children, in some ways. Their level of control of their children's happiness slips through their hands when they run through the doors of the Emergency Room. It is heartbreaking to see their heartbreak.

At some point, I know I will experience my children's pain. It is likely that there will be hospital visits, but even if there are none, there will be real pain. I am reminded of it every day at work; some days, it frightens me.

My automatic defense is to respond to myself, "You work in a hospital. And not just a hospital, but a Level 1 Trauma Center, a State Hospital, and a specialized Children's Hospital. Of course, what you see everyday is a concentrated collection of the worst cases in the state, sometimes in the southeast."

But I know that every one of those cases could be anyone. My child could be one of the 3 in 10,000 births to have this specific complication or that chronic disease.

Am I strong enough to handle it?

Am I "so ready" to be a mom?

I told my husband that because we're not "waiting a year" before having children, we'll really only have one huge adjustment to make, all at once! A few decades down the road, I continued, it might be hard for us to even remember this time before children.

"OH, no it won't! I will NEVER forget this," he replied. He wasn't being romantic or anything--he's just under a lot of stress right now, trying to complete his graduate work. "I will remember this as the most miserable time of my life," he continued.

How sweet.

Happy fifth month of marriage, and bring on the children!